"There's something wrong and you're not telling me..."

Sometimes I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. I have this horrible habit of saying to much when I'm upset because all of these things bubble up inside of me and if I don't say them then I'll implode. 


Sometimes I get upset over stupid things, like my boyfriend going to his best friends 21st birthday party. 


What's going to happen at the party? "I don't know." 


Who's going to be there? "I don't know." 


I don't want to tell him what's wrong. I don't want to say that I'm afraid he'll go to the party and get drunk and some stupid chick will be all over him because I'm not there. I don't want to say that I wish I could go, even though his friend gives off a major pedo vibe and his friends mother is a drug addicted bitch who I hate. I don't want to say that every time he's away from me, he has fun, and I feel like I'm missing out. I don't want to say that I hate that he's going to this party.


I can't say it because then I'll sound like a bitch, but now it's bubbling up inside of me and I feel like I'm going to implode. 


I can't ask him not to go, can't ask to go with him, and will end up spending tomorrow home alone doing laundry. Alternately, I will spend tomorrow home alone babysitting his friends exgirlfriend/friendswithbenefits who I've been friends with for four years because she's not supposed to know about the party.


Even though she does.


But I'm frustrated. So.Fucking.Frustrated.


Yes something's wrong. Something really fucking wrong but I can't say anything without being a shit girlfriend. 


I've been upset about this party since he told me about it last week, and it's not exactly getting any better. I'm just feeling more alienated, more alone, more abandoned over stupid shit. Over the gut instinct that something isn't right, over my jealousy, over... everything.


Now I feel like crying, but I can't because then he'll start to pry about what's wrong, and so I've resorted to my blog. 


My little safe haven. 


But now I'm upset and he's upset and he's not talking to me and I feel like crying and I don't want him to go and I hate that I can't say that and I hate that I don't like his friend because that means I'm not part of this and I hate that I gave up my plans tomorrow so that we could hang out only to have him find out that the party is tomorrow and I hate hate hate the fact that he doesn't get that I'm upset.


Fuck it. 


Just... fuck it.


I'm going to bed.


XO
FREAK