Check In

I'm over half-way done with my first week of Community College and it feels like I was never on summer break. I'm so used to it - home to the cafe, cafe to math, math to cafe, cafe to english, english to home/work/boyfriends house.

Unfortunately, I realized I'm allergic to my favorite organic cafe that's a block away from the community college, so my new cafe is the one in the college itself.

Whatever. It's cheaper on campus anyways.

So I started my advanced writing course and I love it. I'm going to be working on a story... well, it's complicated, but it boils down to a modern fairy-tale with a relatable but extreme protagonist, a good-v-evil plot and a romantic twist.

Oh yes. I'm that good.

But I just wanted to check in before heading for yet another day of coursework.

XO

FREAK

Dear Community College,

I'm not sure what I think of you yet. In two days, I've seen a lot of very, very strange things. 


One of the first things I encountered on my first day of classes, while sitting at a group of tables near the cafe in the HEC building, was an older man with a kind of creepy vibe about him who talked to me for a good half an hour - without my knowledge - because he didn't notice that I had my headphones in. One of the other girls there told me this after he left. After that, a group of teenage boys told me I looked like "Kurt Cobain reincarnated as a chick but with better hair" and then we spent twenty mintues talking about RuneScape. They made my day. 


Other than that, my math teacher is obsessed with parenthesis, and in my 50 minute long class period on my first day, 15 minutes went to the syllabus, 20 went to parenthesis and the remainder resulted in nearly four pages of notes. 


Day two started with 20 minutes on parenthesis and the rest resulting in even more notes. Unfortunately, once I left math, I still had an hour between that and my first writing class. 


An hour in which...


Another older dude didn't notice my headphones, a girl told me I was pretentious because I want to study french and not Spanish (though she double checked what "pretentious" meant before using, just to be sure) and then I realized that I recognized a LOT of people but couldn't quite figure out where from.


And that was before writing, during which the girl who sat next to me and was meant to be my partner for a project was so quiet we didn't get the project done, the guy behind me was very nice and is a Criminology major, and then I actually got IN to the class. 


After writing, it continued. As I waited outside, a guy and his friend (both in their forties) walked up to the building, and as they did, one questioned the other...


"Do you think the teacher would be mad if I ditched class to go to get a burger?"


Yeah.


I feel like I'm back in high school. 


So as I said, I'm not quite sure what I think of you yet, Community College. I have one more class today, then we try this whole circus again come morning. 


XO
FREAK

The toxic nature of teenage relationships...

Last night, I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor in my pajamas, listening to Man Ray by the Futureheads while I waited for the french-fries I'd just put into the oven to finish cooking, contemplating making a batch of chocolate frosting even though I didn't have the energy to make a cake to put it on, and wondering where the brownies I'd bought earlier that day had ran off to.


For some reason that put me in a poetic mood. 


When a friend posted on facebook about some relationship issues, mainly how everyone hurts him, this was what I had to say:


"People walk in and out of our lives every day. Some go through like wrecking balls, some go through like ghosts... and some never leave. Chuck Palahniuk said "your heart is my pinata" and maybe you just keep picking girls who could have that as tag lines. But not every girl is like that, I promise. We have to slog through the bad to get to the good. Even the blood and guts is worth it in the end."


This is a guy who I asked out via comic correspondence, where I'd draw a page of a comic and pass it to him and he'd add a page... and I got turned down, because he was trying to "work it out" with a previous incarnation of the heartache that plagued him. 


Over all, that makes me sad. I'd have been a good girlfriend if I was given the chance... but instead I got a "no" drawn into a set of six comic frames. That ended with "it's a long story". 


Apparently it's not. 


Teenage relationships are so... virulent. 


XO
Freak

"There's something wrong and you're not telling me..."

Sometimes I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. I have this horrible habit of saying to much when I'm upset because all of these things bubble up inside of me and if I don't say them then I'll implode. 


Sometimes I get upset over stupid things, like my boyfriend going to his best friends 21st birthday party. 


What's going to happen at the party? "I don't know." 


Who's going to be there? "I don't know." 


I don't want to tell him what's wrong. I don't want to say that I'm afraid he'll go to the party and get drunk and some stupid chick will be all over him because I'm not there. I don't want to say that I wish I could go, even though his friend gives off a major pedo vibe and his friends mother is a drug addicted bitch who I hate. I don't want to say that every time he's away from me, he has fun, and I feel like I'm missing out. I don't want to say that I hate that he's going to this party.


I can't say it because then I'll sound like a bitch, but now it's bubbling up inside of me and I feel like I'm going to implode. 


I can't ask him not to go, can't ask to go with him, and will end up spending tomorrow home alone doing laundry. Alternately, I will spend tomorrow home alone babysitting his friends exgirlfriend/friendswithbenefits who I've been friends with for four years because she's not supposed to know about the party.


Even though she does.


But I'm frustrated. So.Fucking.Frustrated.


Yes something's wrong. Something really fucking wrong but I can't say anything without being a shit girlfriend. 


I've been upset about this party since he told me about it last week, and it's not exactly getting any better. I'm just feeling more alienated, more alone, more abandoned over stupid shit. Over the gut instinct that something isn't right, over my jealousy, over... everything.


Now I feel like crying, but I can't because then he'll start to pry about what's wrong, and so I've resorted to my blog. 


My little safe haven. 


But now I'm upset and he's upset and he's not talking to me and I feel like crying and I don't want him to go and I hate that I can't say that and I hate that I don't like his friend because that means I'm not part of this and I hate that I gave up my plans tomorrow so that we could hang out only to have him find out that the party is tomorrow and I hate hate hate the fact that he doesn't get that I'm upset.


Fuck it. 


Just... fuck it.


I'm going to bed.


XO
FREAK

Tattoo crazy...

I, as a person, am VERY into tattoos. I have so many I want, and while I know I'll never have them all (not enough skin), I'm going to keep dreaming and collecting. 


Recently, I've decided on a few new one's (on top of my mothers name on my ankle, the word lovely on my wrist and a smiley face on my arm).


la nuit du chasseur <-- it means the night of the hunter, and while being  a beautiful example of the French language it is also (the English version, anyways) the title of by far my favorite song ever written by 30 Seconds to Mars. I'm not sure where I want it yet, though. 

This is a tattoo I designed myself, a celtic cross with Aequitas and Veritas (justice and truth) on it. It's partially a nod to the Boondock Saints (be still my heart) and partially a nod to my own interest in law and the legal system.

This is a picture of Kurt Cobain on stage. I'd like it in black and white on the back of my shoulder.

Anyways, I'll keep adding to the list. 

That's it for now. 

XO

Freak